I don’t normally give advice which is a good thing.  But one of my reader’s (not Jane) sent me a letter that I just could not ignore so, for those of you waiting for more of the mad-capped hijinks you have come to expect from the life of a suburban teacher, watch out because I’m goin’ Ann Landers on ya’ll, bitches!


Anyway…


Here is what my friend wrote.


Dear Kimbob,
I am a middle-aged man who is very much in love with his wife and I would have to say our relationship is the strongest it has ever been.  I have never thought of cheating on her but lately I have been feeling kind of guilty because I have been playing online Scrabble with an old flame.  My wife knows that this woman is one of my Scrabble partners but in the last few weeks our word play has become more exclusive to the extent that she is the only person who will still play with me.  My wife and I have played Scrabble in the past but I am such a Scrabble Jackass (see Ze Frank for more on this) that she makes up excuses whenever I suggest we play.  Now when I lie in bed I am waiting for my iPhone to chime signaling that it’s my move.  The games are some of the best I have ever had!  Last night my wife offered to help with find a word but I just rolled over and used the “Y” in achy to spell ONYX on a triple word score for 62 points.


Should I tell my wife?  I can’t stand all the secrecy but the Scrabble is amazing.


Signed,
Word Playa


Dear Playa,
Get a life and stop being such a Scrabble jerk.  The real concern is that nobody wants to play with you anymore.  Why is that?  I’ll tell you why.  You have a lack of self esteem and you need to win at Scrabble to prove you are still a man.  My advice is to take off your apron and be one for a change.  Oh, sure, you can pretend with someone who doesn’t know you but the fact that you have no Scrabble partners should be telling you something.  So, you have a good game here and there but what does it really matter?  Soon enough you will be right back where you started; a Scrabble Jackass (thanks, Ze, that's exactly it) celebrating another victory alone.


Sincerely,
Kimbob